The Anger

The other day I heard someone say that our experiences are a reflection of what’s going on inside us.  We attract or create outside what is going on in our mind and emotions.  I don’t know how much stock I put in that.  I can see it being true to a point.  But if the whole world is angry and you go from your peaceful cave into that world and unexpectedly experience the winds of fury from those around you, I’m not sure I want to accept that I somehow brought it on myself in some way other than the simple act of exposing myself unawares.

I had noticed in my first venture into a grocery store in several weeks people were giving off a vibe of controlled hostility. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I did not notice the one-way arrows on shopping aisles till I was almost finished, or that I had my children in tow (all of us masked), but people seemed quite perturbed in general, not just in the store but on the roads too.  I speculated the honeymoon of baking bread and butterflies in the garden had waned and people were now entering that anger and frustration phase of the grieving process – resisting the inevitable acceptance of our collective loss of certainty and normalcy.

I have pulled back from social media even more than before.  If political fanaticism wasn’t enough to cause division – now this crisis has been wedded to that deepening divide when we instead need unity against a common enemy.  This crisis is revealing all our ugly and broken places and maybe for some, walls of denial about our true condition as a nation may be getting harder to shore up.  At any rate it seems everyone is mad at someone for what they think, say, or do.

This week I was called back to my part-time job at a small-town health food store.  Saturday we are open only three hours.  I had five customers, three of whom were angry and yelling.  In the past three years (this is reminding me of a Sesame Street story about the number 3 – my apologies), I can’t even add up that many negative customer encounters in my memory.  We are still operating through a drive-thru window but at one point I let a man inside the store so he would believe me that the thing he wanted was truly not there.  Even while on the phone with the owner he would not stop shouting at me as to the whereabouts of his desired product, which I knew where to find, after three years.  And he wasn’t even the rudest person of the day.  I decline to tell the rest.

I came home with a stress-related health flare up and am still sick this morning.  I have been having intensely disturbing dreams, and strange sensations while trying to go to sleep.  Yes, everything is “fine” but I’m feeling the ever-present undercurrent of stress.  Everyone seems to be stomping at the starting gate, rushing out now that they can, to all the places.  People in my state and/or rural county seem to have taken it as a cue that all is well and masks no longer needed, although the practice never caught on to more than about 30% participation.  I am fairly sure that outlook will be forced to change shortly.

So maybe I am angry too.  Maybe I did “attract” this behavior.  Or maybe we are just all in this together and we need to realize the person on the other side of the counter, the next lane, or in social media comments, is not the enemy.  I would like to think we can move on to acceptance and cooperation.  But right now if feels like a tinderbox soaked in kerosene.

First Waves

Continuing on with this hurricane analogy, we are seeing the first bands of storm blowing in. Realizations. I lost a night of sleep when I fully realized how badly we have failed to address this. I didn’t expect much, but I did not expect failure on this level. Realized, many of us have already had it. It’s been out and about for many weeks. It seemed like it “just arrived” because of confirmed tested cases where testing was denied before. But from all reports, testing still being largely denied. Still. Now I don’t expect it will ever be widely available here.

First week of February my daughter-in-law was in the hospital with pneumonia several days after onset of flu symptoms. She had started to feel better but then suddenly could not breath and had chest pain. I went to see her in the hospital. Masks were required in the room. I had a small and irrational (so I told myself) fear that maybe she had contracted the dreaded virus. She told me they had swabbed her nasal passage to test for flu. I thought to myself.. well if she doesn’t have the flu surely they will test for the other one and we will all know. I did not find out until this week that the flu test had come back negative and they never did the Covid-19 test.

I had been to see her and my son in their apartment when they were sick, taking them some medicines. We did not hug. I petted the dog. Three days later I came down with a “flu” that hit me like a truck. I felt better 2nd day, then 3rd day was down for the remainder of the week. Toward the end, when I was feeling better, I felt like a gorilla was on my chest. I don’t go to doctors unless I do feel I’m about to die, and it never got that far. I took my natural supplements and Mucinex offered no relief for this tightness in my chest. My lungs, a month later, still do not feel fully recovered.

The entire time small suspicions wandered through my mind but I kept telling myself it had to just be the flu. If it was here in our community someone would tell us. I thought I’d read that they were finally getting tests out. But then story after story of people still being denied tests. My brother who is in eastern Oregon was told by his doctor that he can’t get tests for any of his patients. Then I read estimates of 100s of thousands of cases in the U.S. because of weeks of extremely limited testing. I read that the tests cost too much and take too long. The system is too fragmented. Excuse after excuse like we are some prehistoric dinosaur of a country. At least our war technology is up to date. So glad for that. At the expense of everything else.

In Texas where we have around 27 million people, our governor proudly announced that we could now process 125 tests a day. Total. For the whole state.

Having strong evidence, and a gut feeling, that you’ve already had it – doesn’t even give much comfort because evidence exists that it doesn’t guarantee you won’t get it again. Or another strain of it. But it’s not myself I’m afraid of losing. I wouldn’t be upset to walk on from this ridiculous place honestly. The dread is from facing down the grief of premature separation from those we love. From worrying how we are going to keep a roof over our head if we have weeks without income.

This weekend the stores here were blown out completely. I’m glad we were ahead of the curve but so sad how easily people are led around by the nose and believe whatever they are told without looking at data or evidence. And yet much unknown remains.

This isn’t as bad as many things. It’s sad, and disruptive, but can’t compare to getting the shit bombed out of your city by a superpower, being locked down by an occupying power on a tiny piece of land, or living in a refugee or migrant camp and already having no defense against violence, disease, and the elements. It’s not as bad as an F5 tornado ripping through your neighborhood even. But all these these sufferings continue, and now add to this the threat of a new fatal illness. These are the ones I think of.

We can’t complain. We have a house (tiny as it may be), had time to prepare somewhat, and the resources to do so.

Once I get over being angry and sad, I will reaffirm my gratitude for the good things in life. I know these things – man made, or nature made matters not at this point – have been the way of nature since there has been life on this planet. Our illogical attachment to this life and each other when nature wants to cull and cleanse is what makes it all so uncomfortable. If only.. we were like Spock. Accept the logical enforcements of the balance of nature without hysteria.

But to be human is to accept that fear, panic, grief, anger and loss are all part of our puzzle as much as joy, gratitude, pleasure, and love. The first wave has passed. Today is calm, for the moment.