First Waves

Continuing on with this hurricane analogy, we are seeing the first bands of storm blowing in. Realizations. I lost a night of sleep when I fully realized how badly we have failed to address this. I didn’t expect much, but I did not expect failure on this level. Realized, many of us have already had it. It’s been out and about for many weeks. It seemed like it “just arrived” because of confirmed tested cases where testing was denied before. But from all reports, testing still being largely denied. Still. Now I don’t expect it will ever be widely available here.

First week of February my daughter-in-law was in the hospital with pneumonia several days after onset of flu symptoms. She had started to feel better but then suddenly could not breath and had chest pain. I went to see her in the hospital. Masks were required in the room. I had a small and irrational (so I told myself) fear that maybe she had contracted the dreaded virus. She told me they had swabbed her nasal passage to test for flu. I thought to myself.. well if she doesn’t have the flu surely they will test for the other one and we will all know. I did not find out until this week that the flu test had come back negative and they never did the Covid-19 test.

I had been to see her and my son in their apartment when they were sick, taking them some medicines. We did not hug. I petted the dog. Three days later I came down with a “flu” that hit me like a truck. I felt better 2nd day, then 3rd day was down for the remainder of the week. Toward the end, when I was feeling better, I felt like a gorilla was on my chest. I don’t go to doctors unless I do feel I’m about to die, and it never got that far. I took my natural supplements and Mucinex offered no relief for this tightness in my chest. My lungs, a month later, still do not feel fully recovered.

The entire time small suspicions wandered through my mind but I kept telling myself it had to just be the flu. If it was here in our community someone would tell us. I thought I’d read that they were finally getting tests out. But then story after story of people still being denied tests. My brother who is in eastern Oregon was told by his doctor that he can’t get tests for any of his patients. Then I read estimates of 100s of thousands of cases in the U.S. because of weeks of extremely limited testing. I read that the tests cost too much and take too long. The system is too fragmented. Excuse after excuse like we are some prehistoric dinosaur of a country. At least our war technology is up to date. So glad for that. At the expense of everything else.

In Texas where we have around 27 million people, our governor proudly announced that we could now process 125 tests a day. Total. For the whole state.

Having strong evidence, and a gut feeling, that you’ve already had it – doesn’t even give much comfort because evidence exists that it doesn’t guarantee you won’t get it again. Or another strain of it. But it’s not myself I’m afraid of losing. I wouldn’t be upset to walk on from this ridiculous place honestly. The dread is from facing down the grief of premature separation from those we love. From worrying how we are going to keep a roof over our head if we have weeks without income.

This weekend the stores here were blown out completely. I’m glad we were ahead of the curve but so sad how easily people are led around by the nose and believe whatever they are told without looking at data or evidence. And yet much unknown remains.

This isn’t as bad as many things. It’s sad, and disruptive, but can’t compare to getting the shit bombed out of your city by a superpower, being locked down by an occupying power on a tiny piece of land, or living in a refugee or migrant camp and already having no defense against violence, disease, and the elements. It’s not as bad as an F5 tornado ripping through your neighborhood even. But all these these sufferings continue, and now add to this the threat of a new fatal illness. These are the ones I think of.

We can’t complain. We have a house (tiny as it may be), had time to prepare somewhat, and the resources to do so.

Once I get over being angry and sad, I will reaffirm my gratitude for the good things in life. I know these things – man made, or nature made matters not at this point – have been the way of nature since there has been life on this planet. Our illogical attachment to this life and each other when nature wants to cull and cleanse is what makes it all so uncomfortable. If only.. we were like Spock. Accept the logical enforcements of the balance of nature without hysteria.

But to be human is to accept that fear, panic, grief, anger and loss are all part of our puzzle as much as joy, gratitude, pleasure, and love. The first wave has passed. Today is calm, for the moment.