Thankful

Three months since my last update. We did all come through having Covid all right. My husband did continue to improve and we are back to our normal activity levels altho I still cannot smell or taste much at all. My digestive system now needs frequent enzymes and it has taken a LONG time to get my wind back while exerting myself. But I have started walking every day and not pushing myself beyond my limits. We are taking supplements to heal and to keep our blood flowing smoothly.

But the small community I work in – at a health food store – is seeing a terrible spike in cases as is most of the country. This town had not really seen much activity yet so many people have been in denial. Now the ICU is full and patients are being transported out. I had to put the shop back to drive thru service only because exposed people seemed to be coming inside for their zinc and I don’t know if my immunity has waned.

Today is the American Thanksgiving. Not much for holidays myself so maybe I am thankful for one that isn’t stressful for a change. We canceled plans and are making dinner just for the four of us. I miss my family terribly but I haven’t seen some of them in years. Covid had nothing to do with it. Long distances and shortage of time and money keep us apart. But I am thankful all are well and unscathed.

In spite of all the challenges this year has been great in many ways for our family. Our crazy plan to downsize seems to have come just in time. While I felt trapped 12 months ago after first moving here – and the space is still suffocating at times – I now feel sheltered and tucked away. I know it’s not forever, and we are seeing opportunities we never had before. The winter is going to require patience and perseverance emotionally for all of us. But I believe no matter where we are there is something to be grateful for. Keeping that in focus makes all the difference.

Wits End

At some point during a 2 week quarantine in an 8 foot wide house with 4 people, 3 of whom are at some stage of suffering from or through Covid, I realized that I was compulsively reading the notice on this bag of beans (or rice or whatever it is) every time my eye wandered over to it, which was often. I decided to put an X on it and break it down to a less wordy version my Business Communications professor would be proud of. He would cringe at the paragraph-long sentence I began with here because every class period he handed out examples of business copy that needed to be whittled down. He hated excessive wordiness like the plague. Now we have both. The plague + too many words. Everywhere.

So it goes – months of watching a virus ebb into our society – the shit show that ensued – the total lack of logic at every turn. Then it came to our door from an unexpected source during a little family get together. All the months of working with the public and husband on construction job sites where no one wears masks especially in the 105 degree Texas summer days – high risk. They ate at dine-in restaurants to cool off. I told him that was really high risk. We believed just a matter of time before he came home with it. But it didn’t come there from any of these places.

I work at a health food store. For months I’ve had a Covid Kit ready to go with the best protocol I could get my hands on to support the body through this virus. My 15 year old daughter and I came through with sailing colors. Fever not more than 3 days. Still a bit weak 8 days later but doing well. My 53 year old husband who is healthy and strong -not overweight with any health concerns, wasn’t getting better however. Every day things seem to deteriorate and my protocol didn’t seem to be boosting him. Maybe he would have been much worse without it, but who knows. I do know there is no “approved” medical intervention until you are sick enough to be admitted to the hospital. Heard many stories of people sent home, ambulances refusing to take them in, etc. etc.. It’s a bleak hopeless feeling.

I know that middle aged men who pass a certain point without improvement have a high risk of a very severe case. I was not willing to watch him descend into madness and misery. Many doctors around the world, and a couple here in our state, have testified to the effectiveness of a certain inexpensive drug used with zinc that I won’t name, but you know the one. Given early, with high dosage of zinc, has a wildly successful track record in opposition to the completely false propaganda being pumped through every news outlet. Safe. Affordable. Effective. Can’t have that now can we in a for-profit medical system where those high up in our bureaucracy have financial stakes in people NOT getting well easily.

Long story short, we found a health care professional with courage and we got the medicine. He is on his second day and already markedly improved. Note we saw absolutely no improvement up to this point for over a week. Whatever machine or self interest is driving this from being withheld from the citizens of any country is nothing short of criminal. We talked to our friend in India who can buy it over the counter, and he said people are not getting as sick and dying there. I pulled up stats of fatality rates between countries that allow it and those who have attempted to ban it. Those numbers speak for themselves. Our health care provider is married to a pharmacist. He told us they researched and found a total of 50 fatalities from this drug in over 60 years. I think aspirin is more dangerous. At least two of the studies that have come out against it have had to be retracted. Junk science, unethical “bought” journalism, blind loyalties and blind hatreds – recipe for one giant ball of needless suffering and death.

You want to know how it works? It doesn’t cure Covid. That much is true. Zinc does, and it helps zinc into the cells where it destroys the RNA of the virus. Now, Quercetin, an easily obtained antioxidant has also been shown to have similar properties, and we have been taking this. I don’t believe I paired it with enough zinc however. He is now on 200mg of zinc per day with this current medication and a similar does may be much more effective with the Quercetin.

Do your research and do NOT rely on any media outlet for your health information. Do look for reliable research and doctors in the field who are using things successfully. One great resource to get you started is medcram.com a website intended to help students in medical school. Wealth of helpful information there as they are keeping up in an unbiased way on the research. Politics has no place in this and it’s sadly killing people.

We are breathing easier this morning. Not out of the woods completely but will update next week.

Tiny House Life Updates

I suppose I should just say “life updates” – although living tiny adds a certain unusual dimension sometimes. Like two weeks ago when I was on a first ever zoom call with a program mentor at my new university – setting up class registrations. Our air conditioner suddenly began to sound like a freight train coming through the house, shaking horribly. I was already nervous because I don’t particularly like video calls, as my friends know I rarely even use the audio function calls on my phone. I had to ask the gentleman to please wait while I rushed to turn it off before it decided to explode. When I returned to my computer a few seconds later, my audio had completely shut off (speakers and headphones), so I then had to let him know I needed to restart the computer. He was very patient but I didn’t feel I was making a very good first impression as the mechanical things in my life decided to all combust at the same time. We got through it though and I’m onward toward finishing a degree – finally. Life bucket list thing.

But that air conditioner. For reference, it’s a PTAC unit like you find in a Motel 6. Heats, cools, and apparently tolerates being left outside in the elements for extended periods of time before installing it for use again. Got it for free. So not complaining. Much. Just so happened to be the hottest day of the year SO FAR (this past week we hit 107 Fahrenheit). Our little space heats up quickly so I had to go purchase a window unit so we could stay in the house. I reasoned it cost less than a motel for however long it took to get it fixed. The window unit wasn’t big enough to handle the entire space, especially the lofts. We closed off the kitchen area with a curtain and the first night our temperature didn’t get below 90 till about 3 a.m. The kids were sleeping “downstairs” and it was extremely uncomfortable since we don’t really have any alternate sleeping areas. My husband, who worked in the heat all day, drives a car with no a/c, and couldn’t cool off when he got home, began to show signs of heat exhaustion with extreme dizziness and nausea. We got him closer to the window unit, put a fan on him and some wet towels, and he was ok. When your tiny house goes tinier, your endurance and patience get tested. I tried to keep the kids on the gratitude side of things – like thank God we could get a window unit!

We ordered the new fan blade that had blown apart, and upon installing it saw the fan motor also needed to be replaced (housing was rusted and crumbling), so we waited another week for that part and now it’s fixed, but still making some concerning noises. As long as cold air comes out I guess we will try to not worry too much.

But on to the good news! I had a serendipity synchronicity yesterday. Our main entertainment and recreation these days has been the local Goodwill thrift store. Okay, so maybe it was that way before Covid. But my daughter and I were having a blast finding hilarious shirts and various oddities, sending pictures to my older children, threatening to buy them hideous things.

This might not seem like much to anyone else, but sometimes it feels like the universe says, “Hey I see what you are doing there and you have my full support.” The first thing I ran across was a like-new shirt with my university logo. It’s not a well known school – fully accredited, but online only. I’ve never seen anything with their logo on it anywhere that I can remember. Might be a bit small, but I had to buy it.

I was also looking for a protective bag for my new computer (see first paragraph), and found a high quality designer bag that had a nice padded slot for a computer plus room for much more. Inside one of the pockets I found a flash drive with the logo from the community college I graduated from 3 years ago! I was so curious what might be stored on it – deep dark tales, naughty pictures, secrets of the universe, etc. The only files on it were assignments and helpful tip sheets for a spreadsheet class in Excel. I just started a spreadsheet class in Excel yesterday.

Just mere coincidence? Maybe, but that’s so boring. I’ve been struggling with a few significant people in my life blowing me off when I try to share my excitement about pursuing this educational goal. Have to admit it hurts when you feel that you pour a lot of energy into encouraging THEM. I do have supportive people, and even if I didn’t, I’d be doing it anyway. I don’t normally dwell on it, but yesterday was feeling a bit down. I decided to interpret this as a sign that I’m on the right track. Maybe it’s just my own thoughts and goals being reflected back to me. Either way – made me smile.

Have other big plans I can’t talk about yet. Said too much to too many people about that already, but not to the aforementioned self-absorbed types. Hopefully new good news by the end of this year.

Blinded by the White

Can’t say I didn’t see this coming, but here we are sooner than expected. I often look to examples in nature to understand and describe the natural flow of events – the causes and effects. No one makes judgments on volcanoes when they erupt. Everyone realizes that over time pressure builds and it has nowhere to go until something breaks through the tons of rock. The eruptions spew rivers of fire, gas, steam and ash. Beautiful and deadly.

Sometimes they erupt without warning but often scientists monitor active volcanoes closely for signs of seismic activity or bulges that would indicate a major eruption building beneath.

Maybe we should put these scientists in charge of human affairs. Although many people could see this eruption of protest coming, no one who directs policy has adequately addressed the rotten root of our civilization. Today I’m reading condemning reactions from other countries around the world, some of them sanctioned by us. I’m seeing our civilian law enforcement tricked out like the best military in the world, continuing to abuse their power and even targeting journalists and medical personnel. What kind of a war is that? But a war indeed by any definition. I expect soon the official military will show up altho I’m not sure we will be able to tell the difference.

I wrote previously about the ANGER vibe that I sensed from those around me after weeks of dealing with all the discomfort and uncertainty of the pandemic. These were 100% white people, isolated from any kind of actual oppression. I live in an insulated bubble, especially after moving out of the city 9 months ago. But we were segregated off in the city as well, thanks to discriminatory real estate practices creating pockets of poverty filled with people of color. I realized while driving for Uber for a couple of years that there were sections of the city I had never driven through in decades of living in this area. I wondered – why have I never had an occasion to drive through here? Because no business I frequent operates there. Because no roads to anywhere go through this part of town. It’s largely cut off and invisible to the rest of the city. What if this community had been included and respected from the beginning rather than a policy of keeping people in “their place”? What if we had not had unjust police killings here too?

My husband tells of his grandparents – the WWII generation who lived in this city in the same house built after the war until his grandfather passed in his 70s. He said his grandfather would go on racist hate-filled rants that would bring his normally submissive grandmother to scold him. She hated his hateful tirades. But when Obama was elected she, a lifelong Democrat, expressed her disdain that we had a N**** in the White House. So there we have it. You shouldn’t hate them, because that’s not Christian, but they must remain in their place. Below. Apart. I wish I could say that generation’s grandchildren where I live believed and acted differently, but rarely. Maybe there is hope for the great-grandkids, four of which I’ve attempted to raise differently.

I told my kids this situation isn’t because one black man was murdered by a cop. It’s a boiling over of anger and frustration from a collective experience mirrored in the lives of millions. The fear and rage from abuse, condescension, exclusion. I encourage them to hear those voices first hand. I know an airline pilot who was pulled over because he was black and his car was too nice, and therefore suspicious. The cop TOLD him that’s why he pulled him over. For years I’ve heard white people boast what they would do if they were ever oppressed, or someone hurt their family members. But evidently violent retaliation and revolution is also just their privilege.

I have always believed non-violence was more effective and credibility preserving for any cause. I still do. Yet I do not say to the volcano – don’t erupt. It has to. While we can’t do anything to prevent actual lava flows, so much could have been done to diffuse this escalation. Activist communities have been working tirelessly, bringing their reasonable list of demands for change to the forefront for years. Philando Castile‘s father went to work with is local and state police departments to get new training and become a liaison to improve relationships between the police and the communities they are supposed to serve. He sounded rather despondent on an NPR interview a few days ago.

Power has two options when challenged – to listen and change or become more abusive. We are standing in the crossroads of decision about what our future as a country will look like. White people hate tyranny unless they need it to keep their privilege. They may get what they ask for, not realizing the jack boot will also be on their own neck before the end. And all things do in fact, have an end.

The Anger

The other day I heard someone say that our experiences are a reflection of what’s going on inside us.  We attract or create outside what is going on in our mind and emotions.  I don’t know how much stock I put in that.  I can see it being true to a point.  But if the whole world is angry and you go from your peaceful cave into that world and unexpectedly experience the winds of fury from those around you, I’m not sure I want to accept that I somehow brought it on myself in some way other than the simple act of exposing myself unawares.

I had noticed in my first venture into a grocery store in several weeks people were giving off a vibe of controlled hostility. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I did not notice the one-way arrows on shopping aisles till I was almost finished, or that I had my children in tow (all of us masked), but people seemed quite perturbed in general, not just in the store but on the roads too.  I speculated the honeymoon of baking bread and butterflies in the garden had waned and people were now entering that anger and frustration phase of the grieving process – resisting the inevitable acceptance of our collective loss of certainty and normalcy.

I have pulled back from social media even more than before.  If political fanaticism wasn’t enough to cause division – now this crisis has been wedded to that deepening divide when we instead need unity against a common enemy.  This crisis is revealing all our ugly and broken places and maybe for some, walls of denial about our true condition as a nation may be getting harder to shore up.  At any rate it seems everyone is mad at someone for what they think, say, or do.

This week I was called back to my part-time job at a small-town health food store.  Saturday we are open only three hours.  I had five customers, three of whom were angry and yelling.  In the past three years (this is reminding me of a Sesame Street story about the number 3 – my apologies), I can’t even add up that many negative customer encounters in my memory.  We are still operating through a drive-thru window but at one point I let a man inside the store so he would believe me that the thing he wanted was truly not there.  Even while on the phone with the owner he would not stop shouting at me as to the whereabouts of his desired product, which I knew where to find, after three years.  And he wasn’t even the rudest person of the day.  I decline to tell the rest.

I came home with a stress-related health flare up and am still sick this morning.  I have been having intensely disturbing dreams, and strange sensations while trying to go to sleep.  Yes, everything is “fine” but I’m feeling the ever-present undercurrent of stress.  Everyone seems to be stomping at the starting gate, rushing out now that they can, to all the places.  People in my state and/or rural county seem to have taken it as a cue that all is well and masks no longer needed, although the practice never caught on to more than about 30% participation.  I am fairly sure that outlook will be forced to change shortly.

So maybe I am angry too.  Maybe I did “attract” this behavior.  Or maybe we are just all in this together and we need to realize the person on the other side of the counter, the next lane, or in social media comments, is not the enemy.  I would like to think we can move on to acceptance and cooperation.  But right now if feels like a tinderbox soaked in kerosene.

Where is Normal on a Scale of 1-Crazy?

Yesterday life’s pause finally reached down deep to one of my most neglected challenges – getting back to a routine, and my homeschooled kids with me.  Tiny house building, moving, and going to work three days a week the same month we moved threw us off balance and we couldn’t seem to get our feet under us again.  After 4 kids and 20+ years (lost track) of homeschooling minus the two years these two attended a democratic self-directed school, I have never once succeeded at being a slave to a clock. I can do it for a job or a boss but never in my own house.  I think it’s unnatural and I envy Native people who never had watches.  They have a completely different, healthier perspective on time.

So, we have a routine – adding important things into our lives that we always say we want to do, but don’t seem to get done.  Being home and turning my attention to gardening, fermenting (still in sourdough failure land), getting my home learners back on track – feels good.  In spite of the overall anxieties and uncertainties of the day, I’ve experienced more bliss in the past few weeks than I can remember for many years.  Springtime in this tiny house parking spot has overwhelmed us with her beauty.  Right now a gentle breeze blows and light rain falls outside my window.  The air is dramatically fresher and more invigorating.

Other people I know are experiencing positive things.  A friend with several children and some severe health issues reports half her symptoms have disappeared with a slower pace of life.  She said she will reconsider her priorities after this.  A relative whom I’ve never known to slow down in spite of now being retired is enjoying her leisurely life while still filling her days with things she truly wants to do.  She said she doesn’t look forward to things going back to “normal”.  Maybe things weren’t normal.  Maybe THIS is the way healthy humans are meant to live.  Why do we push ourselves to exhaustion and without time to reflect on what really matters?  I know some people are lonely, bored, cooped up and pacing their floors like caged animals.  I’m sorry if that’s you.

I woke up at 3am unable to go back to sleep.  I pulled up something to read on my phone and discovered a blogger I admire greatly had passed.   He was a giant of an intellect, an astute observer of human behavior, humorous and irreverent commentator on past and current events, and one of the most engaging writers I’ve read.  If you truly are bored, his site sofarfromheaven.com will give you plenty to chew on for awhile.  I have an affinity for wise old coots, so I am really sad he’s left us but thankful he shared so much while he was here.

Well, time to make breakfast.  Maybe I can get the kids up for their “routine” before noon.

Five Second Miracle

Yesterday was cold. I didn’t have anywhere essential to go or anything all that essential to do at home. Teenagers slept till about 1pm and the day managed to disappear before I knew it. After we ate dinner I decided a brisk walk in the winter like wind to the mailbox down the road would maybe delay the sedentary lifestyle diseases I am now incubating.

Eager to re-enter the warm house, I paused to check a few garden plants. Watered seedlings that had taken a beating in the cold wind, and noticed the bean plants looking pale. I grabbed the liquid fertilizer to treat just the outside row to test its effectiveness. Literally five seconds is all it took. Maybe less. I noticed a leaf by my foot with some strange white fuzzy things attached.  Nature’s surprises – the miracles I treasure.

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  Ms. Luna

Post Pandemic Vision

 

While wading through the uncharted waters of a viral plague in an interdependent global economy, thoughts arise about what kind of world could we build if the present one crashed completely?  This may only be a bump in the road and by this time next year everything returns to business as usual.  Even now many in one affluent country are speculating it’s all over soon, we’ve blown it out of proportion, and everyone should relax and go back to work as soon as possible.  Others are saying the fun is just getting started and we’ve lost our opportunities to prevent it.

For the record I’m writing this on March 25, 2020.  I have my own speculations based on what has happened elsewhere.  Yes, I agree with those who suspect the virus has circulated here for many weeks already.  Yet they do not understand that we are nowhere near the herd immunity level, and that unchecked exponential spread of the infection will create havoc not before experienced by this generation of fairly comfortable North Americans.

This may not be the big civilization busting event our psyches expect, but it’s not too soon to use our imaginations to think creatively about how we could build a better one.  We are well on our way to dystopia on many fronts.

I believe many people are speaking on this.  I feel compelled to write what I imagine possible.  (Some of this most applies to the United States. I cannot speak for other places).

The Crossroads

In spite of the sense of dread and panic circling the globe, one has to admit it’s fascinating to be conscious of a shared experience worldwide.  A friend in India is just now starting a 21-day lockdown.  The human race has a shared enemy that we cannot see.  Not every country is on equal footing in this war and many who have already been thrown under the bus by a system of great inequality will suffer more than those who can hide away in large homes with plenty of food.  However, no one can be completely sure of their safety.  We are on a collective time out. 

As the skies clear, rivers run cleaner, and mother nature shows us a picture of what it could be like, how could we find a way to get back to that?  Humans are extremely innovative when urgent needs arise.  We have responded to a threat that we perceive as terrifyingly personal.  What if we valued our natural environment with the same urgency?  Why don’t we realize it is the same thing?  Even if you believe global warming isn’t real, or just a natural cycle, we cannot ignore that we are killing our home and ourselves with trash and poisons. 

IMAGINE……

The Earth

Clean & restored.  Nature bounces back.  Petroleum crashes, new energies become profitable – sustainable – restorative.

Health

People learn their bodies need certain things to be healthy.  Food, nutrients, rest, water, exercise.  We understand the need to collectively care for medical needs and to be prepared for emergencies.  Both citizens and governments understand their own responsibility to the whole.

Economy

There is an abundance that can be shared to benefit all.  We are chided for hoarding toilet paper.  They have been hoarding wealth for centuries.

Education

Technology makes learning possible anywhere and everywhere (with more connectivity).  Children 12 and up don’t need to attend a classroom every day, meeting for sports, art, or other active pursuits.  Alternatives exist to free up space, time, and resources.  Education on all levels is seen as investment in the future of a society not an avenue for building wealth.

Needless Excess

We realize what is essential to life and how overconsumption robs the planet and our peace of mind.  We can live in less house, with less (more nutritious) food, less throw-away, single-use merchandise.  Things that last have more use and value.  Our current form of capitalism relies on the mad increase of consumption at the cost of everything else.  A middle-class house 50 years ago looks like a tiny house compared to expectations today.

Localized Economic & Agricultural Systems

As old ways decline, new ways of income and industry arise as local artisans, craftspeople, farmers, teachers & healers lend their skills to their local communities.  No one is “self-sufficient” but communities can become much less dependent on large suppliers of everything.  Bartering and trading services becomes common as currency becomes less valued.  Local currencies may arise for community trading.  Growing food is possible almost everywhere with hydroponics, permaculture techniques (even in dry land areas), and using urban spaces strategically.

Multi-Use Buildings

With so many work and educational activities possible from home – buildings that are now dedicated to one entity could become shared spaces for work, worship, and education, and other social gatherings greatly reducing the use of resources to build and operate them.

Restaurants to Kitchens

Locally operated kitchens can be a benefit if food is sourced ethically and workers are not exploited.  Many alternatives can be created to our current system of food service.  While a hugely profitable sector of our economy, our eating out habits, and most especially the fast food culture, has done great damage to our food, environment, and health.  We have created a system of fatal decadence. 

Politics

A book-length discussion in itself but the most urgent change that needs to take place is to remove the oligarchy who are members of, and serve, the 1% who own 60% of the wealth.  I do not know what will break this system where they always get their way and throw us enough crumbs to keep the gears in their machines turning.  No political candidate that serves the interests of the people and does not take their bribes will see the light of day until there is a major overhaul or a revolution. Revolutions often know how to overthrow but lack wisdom to govern, so this is not the preferred path. 

*Real laws against corruption and conflict of interest need to be passed and enforced. 

*Voting needs to be open and accessible to all without obstruction. 

*Reliable information needs to be available so people can fact check without agendas. 

*Political campaigns need to be overhauled so it isn’t a race of the candidate with the most money, and dishonest salesmanship, but the most honorable qualifications. 

*Change the military world policing policy and funnel trillions of dollars back into our own infrastructure.

Spirituality

Last but not least, it’s easy to observe how religious beliefs (of all flavors) can be a force for healing or for dividing and de-valuing others.  Wouldn’t it be great if people of all faiths got in touch with the light within that sees value in all human beings as equal creations – whatever their believed source.  This would be a sign of true enlightenment.  But with or without religion (for you don’t need a religion to come to this conclusion), humans can choose better and the religions that decide to remain behind can become obsolete and fade away.

This list is far from exhaustive.  These are only a few things that have arisen in my mind the past few weeks.  Many of these ideas have circulated for years and obviously are not original to me in any way.  What I am calling for is the action to see them come to pass.  Crisis creates opportunities.

Ask yourself, of all the things we take for granted in our civilization – how many of them would be unnecessary without greed?  Borders?  Interest on borrowing? Mass incarceration? Wars?  How many can you list?  What would you change if you could?

IMAGINE
– John Lennon

Losing Sense of Time

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  Spring Rains

Life has become a strange, surreal experience. So many emotions – not all of them bad. We are barely into this experience yet it seems a months worth of living has taken place in the last two weeks. I should be journaling the days but I am just trying to keep up.

Unlike so many we are not on lockdown. We already homeschooled. We didn’t do much to begin with out in the world. Biggest change is we stopped eating out completely (Americans don’t think masks help anything so no one is going to be breathing on or touching my food thank you.) My kids are definitely missing going to see their friends. We went last Sunday for one visit – probably the last for a long while.

We are fortunate to still be working, and I am working more than ever. The little health food store I help out at has seen almost doubled sales the last two weeks, understandably. I stocked my stash of supplements a month ago, but as everyone begins to wake up to a new reality, we are seeing many scared and frantic customers. Many have no experience in natural health and want someone to tell them what they need. Speaking of which.. I was going to write a post on immunity but there’s plenty of info out there on that. Here is a great article.

Our shop operates out of a building that was a fast food chicken restaurant many years ago. Because of this we have a handy take-out window and have begun to funnel customers through our drive thru only. We were the first business in our small town to stop letting customers inside and the owner thought it was “too soon”. My belief is we are way behind the curve not ahead of it. But by the end of the week many businesses in town followed suit.

My almost 90 year old boss refuses to stay home. This shop is her life. Her immune system is probably better than most, I agree. Yet you cannot escape the effects of time. Our bodies are not immortal. Friday she went home early, so tired. A cold north wind had blown in with the rain and the added exertion of fetching orders had worn her down. For the first time in my three years working there she elected to not come in on Saturday. She thought we should close up that day and I assured her I was fine for the four hours we schedule that day. I was really worried.

Today she emailed that she was better, but didn’t know a person could be that tired. She was afraid she had become ill. I was too. I wish she would stay home, but I think being stuck at home for her would be a worse fate. People are so thankful we are still open. I hope it will remain so. We are licensed as a food store, so hopefully!

My construction worker husband obviously can’t work from home either, and they are still up and running. Thankfully next job is out of the city this week. Some in our family not so lucky with the job situation. Tricky waters.

Spring has arrived and it’s a comfort to have this beauty all around us. Brilliant greens, Texas Bluebonnets (sorry no pics yet), and the garden is loving all the rain altho I’m ready for a dry spell.

Our family has decided to give the plague a Texas nickname.. “The Caronya”. We don’t got the Caronya yet, (and probably already did) so we shall keep pressing on. A frantic customer paused to ask about my family this week. When I told her we had two teenagers and two big cats in a tiny house her eyes got really big and she said she was going to stop complaining. I laughed. Yes, and so much to be thankful for, not the least of which is our beautiful surroundings.

Time to go make pancakes. Happy Sunday.

First Waves

Continuing on with this hurricane analogy, we are seeing the first bands of storm blowing in. Realizations. I lost a night of sleep when I fully realized how badly we have failed to address this. I didn’t expect much, but I did not expect failure on this level. Realized, many of us have already had it. It’s been out and about for many weeks. It seemed like it “just arrived” because of confirmed tested cases where testing was denied before. But from all reports, testing still being largely denied. Still. Now I don’t expect it will ever be widely available here.

First week of February my daughter-in-law was in the hospital with pneumonia several days after onset of flu symptoms. She had started to feel better but then suddenly could not breath and had chest pain. I went to see her in the hospital. Masks were required in the room. I had a small and irrational (so I told myself) fear that maybe she had contracted the dreaded virus. She told me they had swabbed her nasal passage to test for flu. I thought to myself.. well if she doesn’t have the flu surely they will test for the other one and we will all know. I did not find out until this week that the flu test had come back negative and they never did the Covid-19 test.

I had been to see her and my son in their apartment when they were sick, taking them some medicines. We did not hug. I petted the dog. Three days later I came down with a “flu” that hit me like a truck. I felt better 2nd day, then 3rd day was down for the remainder of the week. Toward the end, when I was feeling better, I felt like a gorilla was on my chest. I don’t go to doctors unless I do feel I’m about to die, and it never got that far. I took my natural supplements and Mucinex offered no relief for this tightness in my chest. My lungs, a month later, still do not feel fully recovered.

The entire time small suspicions wandered through my mind but I kept telling myself it had to just be the flu. If it was here in our community someone would tell us. I thought I’d read that they were finally getting tests out. But then story after story of people still being denied tests. My brother who is in eastern Oregon was told by his doctor that he can’t get tests for any of his patients. Then I read estimates of 100s of thousands of cases in the U.S. because of weeks of extremely limited testing. I read that the tests cost too much and take too long. The system is too fragmented. Excuse after excuse like we are some prehistoric dinosaur of a country. At least our war technology is up to date. So glad for that. At the expense of everything else.

In Texas where we have around 27 million people, our governor proudly announced that we could now process 125 tests a day. Total. For the whole state.

Having strong evidence, and a gut feeling, that you’ve already had it – doesn’t even give much comfort because evidence exists that it doesn’t guarantee you won’t get it again. Or another strain of it. But it’s not myself I’m afraid of losing. I wouldn’t be upset to walk on from this ridiculous place honestly. The dread is from facing down the grief of premature separation from those we love. From worrying how we are going to keep a roof over our head if we have weeks without income.

This weekend the stores here were blown out completely. I’m glad we were ahead of the curve but so sad how easily people are led around by the nose and believe whatever they are told without looking at data or evidence. And yet much unknown remains.

This isn’t as bad as many things. It’s sad, and disruptive, but can’t compare to getting the shit bombed out of your city by a superpower, being locked down by an occupying power on a tiny piece of land, or living in a refugee or migrant camp and already having no defense against violence, disease, and the elements. It’s not as bad as an F5 tornado ripping through your neighborhood even. But all these these sufferings continue, and now add to this the threat of a new fatal illness. These are the ones I think of.

We can’t complain. We have a house (tiny as it may be), had time to prepare somewhat, and the resources to do so.

Once I get over being angry and sad, I will reaffirm my gratitude for the good things in life. I know these things – man made, or nature made matters not at this point – have been the way of nature since there has been life on this planet. Our illogical attachment to this life and each other when nature wants to cull and cleanse is what makes it all so uncomfortable. If only.. we were like Spock. Accept the logical enforcements of the balance of nature without hysteria.

But to be human is to accept that fear, panic, grief, anger and loss are all part of our puzzle as much as joy, gratitude, pleasure, and love. The first wave has passed. Today is calm, for the moment.